


Sleepless

by emef



Category: British Comedy RPF
Genre: Love, M/M, repressed yearning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 13:45:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18283499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emef/pseuds/emef
Summary: what happens when John lets himself think about the things Elis says sometimes





	Sleepless

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to everyone who commented on the anon meme version. Unbetaed.

Of course John has lain awake at night and thought of Elis. Of course he has. More than once.

When they met he couldn’t believe Elis was real. Elis was so funny, and so kind, and he liked John. He really did, and that really meant something, because no one liked John. Well — some people did, but those people had numerous character flaws so there was no way to be sure that their liking John wasn’t a flaw. But Elis wasn’t like that.

John had met other people Elis liked. They’d all been lovely. Lovely. And that had been so unsettling because if Elis was a good, reliable judge of character, why was he inviting John to things?

Elis invited John to things even when he didn’t have to for politeness’s sake, and the day John noticed that, he was walking out of a tube station and he stopped in his tracks and three people walked into him. He apologized, and apologized, and apologized, and thought of Elis and what Elis would say if he saw him. Elis would laugh, John thought, if he saw John. And he would say something extremely funny.

Of course he’s lain awake and thought about Elis. Anyone would, in his place. He’s thought about Elis and Elis’s gentle, earnest affection, he’s thought about it when it’s so late it’s early and light is just about to pierce through the darkness and John is close to admitting things to himself.

If he knew how to tell Elis some of the things he’s thought of without actually telling him anything, he would. Then Elis would know that he’s thought of being held in his arms, really tightly and confidently, and that he’s thought of Elis nuzzling the skin just above his collar, and Elis would know he wanted that, and if Elis wanted that too then he would know how to get there. Because Elis James is shit at admin but he’s good at things that don’t come with an instruction manual, like feelings.

When John thinks about Elis’s arms around him, about how safe he would feel and how much he would want to angle his head towards Elis’s and see what Elis would have to say about that, his body responds and usually by the time his mind has gotten all the way there it’s dawn, outside. So quiet. John is too warm and not warm enough, his arms are wrapped around a pillow, he feels like he’s choking.

And every time he’s thought of Elis this way, he has known, in that moment, that he would do anything to protect their relationship. Anything. Because he’s never loved anyone this much. He’s never even — he thought he knew what love was, before he met Elis, but he had no idea.

And of course John has lain awake at night and thought of Elis. But John has lost every person with whom he’s ever become romantically involved, and he would do anything, _he would do anything_ to protect his and Elis’s relationship. He would forget the thoughts he’s had. He would bury them. He would bury them so far below the surface, no one could find them. He would never kiss Elis, but that would be all right, because he would never lose him.


End file.
